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[13 Mar 2008|08:25pm] |
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super fuckn sad.
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[26 Feb 2008|05:37am] |
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I'm okay.
miss muh baby, Michael.
content with life, somewhat.
eh.
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[13 Feb 2008|11:12pm] |
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The way to describe my mood &how I really feel is best compared to the Zoloft bubble that just mopes around all sad &what not.
I feel so fcking down lately. I'll have moments of happiness then they jus go away as quickly as they came. I feel alone as all hell. I hate being in this house all the time. I feel like this room is my limits on my movement. I don't leave my room. I go in the kitchen &to go pee but other than that, I lay in bed &cry to my cat, Figaro. I feel like I'm living in an apartment &it's this small one room. I don't really like going in the living room &such because my brother is in there. I can't stand how messy &inconsiderate he is so I just avoid it all together. I don't want to fight with my mom so I avoid her. I don't talk to my sister &same goes with my step dad. Figaro is my companion. I tell all to my cat, how fucking pathetic. I'm an old widow who sits in a room with 34 cats &jus hates life. I don't hate life though, really. I jus don't like where I'm @in it. I have a lot on my plate &to think of going through it alone scares the shit out of me. I don't know I don't know.
My mom is going to Mexico with my step dad next Friday. It made me mad that she is going because I want to go but it mainly upset me because now I'll be even more alone than I am now. I don't want to be here, alone for 10 days, with just my brother. My sister is going to my grandma's. Well, good news: I found out that I'm going over there, too. I couldn't imagine staying here for 10 days with completly no one. Even though I have no one right now, jus knowing I'm in an empty house wld kill me even more. But I'm happy I'm going to Barb's because now I'll have someone to talk to &I wnt count the hours down until when I go to sleep, just to wake up to another worthless day. I'm really happy that I'll be @her house for 10 days.
My crib came today, my mom said we'd assemble it Friday. That's nice. I don't know, I was thought I'd be happier to see the crib up, but..I'm not. That sucks. I jus want out of Michigan. I jus want to be fucking happy dude. This is where I end this because my emotions have yet again gotten the best of me.
It's 11:30, hopfully I can force myself to sleep within the next 2 hours. I don't look forward to tomorrow @all. I have a dc app in which I'll go to alone, come home alone, then spend the rest of Valentine's Day alone. Typical. I jus fucking miss Michael. I dnt wanna b unhappy anymore.
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[08 Feb 2008|02:28pm] |
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LOVE
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| Here I go again; little vent. |
[06 Feb 2008|02:10pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
Michael got to AZ yesterday, he cldnt stop telling me how much he loved it. It made me even more sad to hear him tell me that. I shld be happy for him &I am happy he's happy I'm jus not happy that he's happy w/o me. That's selfish. I'm being selfish. I didn't like how he got so extreamly drunk last night that he didn't call me until this morning :/ we always say goodnight, everynight. I didn't eat yesterday @all until Gabby forced me out of the house &to Zorba's. We talked, well I mostly jus cried, but I ate, which was the point of going there. I've been so down &depressed lately that I haven't been able to feel hunger. It's cliche as fuck, but it's true. I'm miss him too much. I'm jus hoping for the best with us. I kno the best will come but I jus always think of the worse situations &it's bad.
Camryn's hurting me really bad. I want her out. I want my life to start. I was talking with Gabby last night &she wants to get outta MI, too. There are job offerings that she wants in AZ. I'm considering moving in late July early August. I'd work all during the day like I'm thinkin 6-2, 5 days a week &Cam cld go to daycare. I've alrdy heard of this job, from Mike, that you make $500 a week wrkin 40 hrs &you hve wkends off. It'd be a better life for Cam &I. I mean, shiit, I'm not doing a thing here. Mght as well put myself in a better enviroment with more opportunity to do better.
I jus want out.
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[05 Feb 2008|09:14pm] |
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down&out to the max.
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| Sad. |
[03 Feb 2008|09:29pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
] |
Okay so it's been pretty depressing watching the Super Bowl because last year during the Super Bowl I was drinking &having a good ass time with Michael @Ricky's sister's house. It was so much fun. I miss the shit outta him &today reminds me of how pregnant I am, too! I want to jus sit around &have a cold ass brew. I want to jus be with my baby but he's in Hawaii : [ he leaves tomorrow from Hawaii to Arizona &that's where he will stay... unless things dnt wrk out there. But that's that. We are still gonna make shit wrk &give it our all. It'll jus be that much more amazing when we see eachother..which will be in a couple months. After Camryn &all that. I jus want to be with him. &the fact that Valentine's Day is coming up.. hurts. I want him back so bad. I hope things wrk out in Arizona because life cld be so much better out there. I want to continue my life out there if he is. It wld jus be so much easier. I jus hope things go smoothly with Camryn. I hope I can jus get out to see him really really soon. He means the world to me &I cldn't stand to lose him due to miles btwn us. I jus hope for the best @this point because Camryn &him are my life. I want my life to start. I need to get outta Michigan &into school. We've talked so much about life in Arizona together. It cld really work, &I see it wrking because we both want to take that step. I miss him dearly &jus dnt feel completely happy without him with me, without us together. It'll all wrk out, I have faith in us. I'm jus sick of waiting for our life to start. But if we can still remain strong throughout these months of miles btwn us, then we can handle anything. We've been through so much, this is jus another rough time we will overcome. I become happier when I jus look @the postives that this will bring. I jus want to fast forward the next couple of months. I want Camryn here &I want to see Michael. I want him to meet Camryn, I want her to meet him. I want to be happppppppppy with both of them. I cry out of out anticipation for what's to come. I can't wait. I look forward to so much, I really do.
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| Woop. |
[31 Jan 2008|08:35pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
] |
Seen my OB today &I guess the eating thing is normal, it's Camryn being a stomach hog. I was told to get some Tums &that'll take care of the problem. But I ordered my crib today &my nana is buying all my bedding, sheets, &more random shit off my registry on Saturday. So @least I'll have the crib ready for Camryn if she decides to make an early arrival. I just don't want to get the crib &all of it's accessories @my baby shower because I'll be 37 weeks for my shower. I want to be prepared. I will be now : ] I'm so excited that I have all the big stuff taken care of : ]
Besides feeling good about all of that, I really really miss my Michael.
I want nothing more than to be with him right now : /
.....it's okay Carrie, it's okay. Back to watching are you smarter than a 5th grader.
& @9pm comes on a good lifetime movie.
I have some things now to take my mind of missing my lover.
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| Really weird. |
[29 Jan 2008|11:24pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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So lately I've been completly not hungry. I have been forcing myself to eat because of Camryn. I don't want to her to be unhealthy but it's weird because I just don't have a hunger. I will eat three times a day, or @least try, but it doesn't consist of much. I can't even eat a lot if I tried. Today, I ate the following: Woke up @1pm &had a bowl of cereal. Around 4:30pm I made my sister a pizza in the oven &had a slice. I was just sitting here watching Nip/Tuck &realized I had barely eaten so I decided to put some french fries in the oven. @to be honest, I wasn't even hungry when I decided to do this. Then like 10 minutes ago I ate the french fries w/some bbq sauce. Now it's weird because yesterday when I went to Mexican Town with some family to celebrate my great grandma's birthday, I ordered a chicken quesadilla. I ate half of it &was so completly full. I was burping like 5 hours later &felt that food was coming up. &that's how I feel when I eat anything lately. I think it's because Camryn is taking up all the room in my stomach, I have no room for anything else. &when I do eat, she tries pushing it back up. It's a lose lose situation. I went to see my OB two weeks ago &I had lost 2lbs. I see her Thursday &I hope I didn't lose anymore weight. I see her every 2weeks now. But maybe this is just Camryn taking over my stomach, it's not like I don't want to eat.. I just can't?! I made brownies before Nip/Tuck but only managed to eat one &then I started burping up acid[ish] fluid.
I just want this nonsense to end. This shit just started about 2 weeks ago &I don't want it to effect Camryn. I'm doing the best I can but she isn't helping much. Everything I eat either tries coming up or she finds a way to push acid up. If she keeps pulling these stunts, she's grounded when she gets out. But I'm super tired, eyes burning, so I'm heading to bed. Just wanted to vent about this topic because it's been bugging me.
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[27 Jan 2008|07:23pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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So today, besides dealing with stupid twat shit, I finished registering @walmart &babies r us. I registered for all the nessecities. I found the crib I want &my mom is buying that. Also, my grandma is buying me this set with a stroller, car seat, high chair, bouncer, &play n go. It's all on sale for like $300 which is a good deal considering a stroller &car seat combination is like $200. So I have all the big shit, which is baller. I was just laying in bed &I looked over in the area where Camryn's crib is going to be &it just made me start thinking... it's coming so soon!
I can' believe that this shit is real. My shower is in a month &2 weeks. I think once the baby shower is over &I get all the shit I need, that is when it'll settle in that it's totally real. I'm still in a somewhat state of denial. I forget I'm pregnent, then I feel her kicking my ass &then I remember. It won't be real to me until she's in my arms. I'm ready to get on with my life. I'm happy again. I couldn't be happier with Michael &adding Camryn to the picture makes it even better. I'm excited, he's excited, close family is excited... that's all I need. Michael &Camryn are the 2 single most important things in my life. That is how it shall remain. I have it all. I have all I need &want. I'm pretty damn content... it's great.
Happiness has finally found me ¬ just for a couple days or weeks, it's here to stay.
I smile.
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| That is all, jus some anger. |
[27 Jan 2008|04:23pm] |
Just thought I'd rant about how fucking gay some people are.
If you have the name Jayde, just quit life right now.
I h8 worthless people who try to get back into your life just
so they can be the cause of its destruction.
Fuck off, I don't want yur shit anymore.
I'm over it now, I have all I need.
No room for you.
Thanks.
Bye.
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[25 Jan 2008|04:17pm] |
I'm 31 weeks prego today.
Next Friday I'll be 8 months.
Holy shit, huh!
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| Insane as fck. |
[17 Jan 2008|02:58pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow.
That = 7 months & 2 weeks.
Woooowww!
I had a doctor's appointment today &I guess I have to go
back to Oakwood for another test in 6 weeks. Camryn'll
almost be ready to pop out by then. My OB told me I should
go to a chiropractor asap to get this pinched nerve taken care
of. I lost 2lbs since last time I was there, which was 2 weeks ago.
I'm cool with that. I haven't ate fast food in 1 whole week : ]
I turned down an insane mcdonalds urge @2am the other day.
It was hard but I did it! Haha. But I have to go pick up my sister
from school now.
I'm really craving pizza &fries.
Or steak &fries. Good fries, shit
just want good food.
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[10 Jan 2008|10:38pm] |
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Overwhelmed with bad news lately.
It should be dealthy to cry this much.
Shit can never just be good.
Over it. Over livejournal, over myspace.
OVER EVERYTHING.
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| sofa king alone. |
[08 Jan 2008|01:02pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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I need some cheering up : /
beyond sad. beyond miserable. just beyond it all.
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| 7 monthsssss. |
[04 Jan 2008|09:19pm] |
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mood |
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jubilant |
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music |
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A little bita errthang. |
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I'm like, happy. I know I go through these mood swings &it's unreal sometimes.
I blame it all on hormones even though, it's indeed my fault. Haha.
But I'm like fucking happy fareeeealz.
Besides the being broke as a joke part, because of Christmas &my POS car
being just that, I'm staying pretty damn positive if I do say so myself.
Right now, I'm just rockin' out with Camryn & Figgy my niggy. We are just going
through iTunes &just singing. Well, I don't know if Camryn is singing but lets just
say she is. &Fig is just licking himself. But I'm listening to Say Anything &it
brings back soo many fucking memories!! Like the Is A Real Boy album is just
amazing. It reminds me of all the gr8 ass time @Ricky's last Christmas. All
of us over there hadda fucking blast. I'm thinking more of beer. Beer played a nice
little role in my life, we were good friends. A lot of good memories have beer nicely
placed in them &that's fineee.
My mom came in &was like "shouldn't you be reading stories to Camryn instead
of listening to music that doesn't have meaning." I was shocked. I explained to
her that there are stories behind these songs. +++It's Camryn's 7 months
&she wants to fucking rock out. LET HER ROCK!!!
I'm staying dedicated to livejournal, I wonder how long this spree will last?!
I like it though, it's nice to rant &rave to something that can't bitch : ]
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| icky. |
[03 Jan 2008|01:22pm] |
My nose is erupting &my ears explode.
Something needs to change.
Penicillin kick in ASAP, please.
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| ahh cheeeew, |
[02 Jan 2008|08:00pm] |
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mood |
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lazy |
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Owh.
Camryn is really beating me up @this point.
She is turning my tummy into a battlefield.
It hurts hurts hurts hurts.
I'm sick as hell &it blows large balls.
I can't stop sniffling &sneezing.
My body is achey &I'm throwing up.
Poo on me.
Seeing my OB tomorrow @4;30.
She better have some answers for me.
Or fucking else, nuckah.
7 months prego + sick as hell = horrible combination : [
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